Trusting even when its hard
I have some friends who its seems like faith comes easily to. They don't have as many anxieties about the future and are able to walk through challenging seasons with such grace. I don't know their internal dialogue but I know what I see on the outside looks a lot like a person moving at the pace of grace. Other times I see friends who are so worried about certain things that would never bother me or seem rather trivial in the big picture. Its interesting how we all have different personalties, triggers, passions and these lead us to struggle to trust. Often we may be able to trust in one area but have that back room where we don't want Jesus going into. Like please don't touch that or open that door this part of the house is for me only
I'm learning that for me I really struggle to trust God with my future plans, specifically with dating relationships. I really want control in this area. I really want to manipulate the situation or use the gifts God gave me to force something even if it seems like everything is not working. For me this has gotten significantly worse as I came into my later 20s. In my earlier twenties I wasn't worried much, I knew I would find someone and that I had time. However as I am 32 I feel the pressure. Although in a funny way maybe between 28 and 32 I felt the most. Now I'm kinda like wow I really missed the boat I guess rushing or putting pressure on myself or others isn't working.
As I have been wrestling with trusting the Lord with the deep desire in my heart for family and marriage I have come to a few (shameful) realizations about my fickle trust in the Lord and I'm going to share them here.
If God is good why has he let me go through some really painful breakups
If God is good why has he yet to provide Godly companionship for me in this hard world
Can I trust God with bringing my spouse
Can I trust God with my future
I know I know that the obvious answer is he is good and we can trust him. But how do we keep walking with him when it is really hard and a really deep desire for a good thing has left you damaged and hurting.
So naturally I've been reading praying and searching for some answers to the doubts that have reared their ugly head.
First- Its really important I believe that when these nasty doubtful thoughts come to the surface we quickly and honestly bring them into the arms of our loving Father
It would be way worse to suppress them or hide them out of sight and never voice them to God. Hebrews 3:13 And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account.
The point of this is that God already knows our doubts and out fears. The question is are we going to bring them to him. He is the safest place we can go
Some things I have noticed about myself is that I am willing to trust God when things are good and going my way it is always when things are not going my way that I really struggle. I'm probably not alone in this but the question is how do we deal with this and what do we think about this
I'm learning that God is always doing a constant work in my life. Like a skilled gardener planting for the seasons, making things beautiful in their time. Sometimes uprooting an old plant to plant a new one is extremely painful and I want to hang on to the old and not wait for the new.
But God is patient and loving and compassionate with us even in this. He looks at us with compassion. He knows it is hard.
Hebrews 4:15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses but one who in every respect has been temped as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
Jesus is so kind and gentle with us. He came to save us and heal us and he is doing that. Sometimes it just doesn't feel like it. But we can't trust our fickle feelings or our circumstances we need to keep our eyes on the unchanging presence, love, and plans of Christ.
Sometimes I find it hard to trust in areas where I have been hurt before. Thats why dating can be so hard for me. After more than one ugly breakup, the embarrassment of introducing my family (even my grandma) to someone thinking this is the guy only to find out I was horribly wrong and caught in the moment was tough. Struggling with questions like why did God let that happen? Why did he let me date someone so controlling and manipulative only to end up very hurt and betrayed? Why has he not answered this prayer so near and dear to my heart? Am I the problem? If so why won't he fix me so I can get married one day?
These are tough questions. Questions that must be brought to the loving arms of our savior.
Prayer: Father please help me to be honest with you about all I am feeling. Let me not wrestle with these hard questions alone but let me bring them to you and let the truth of your deep sacrificial and compassionate love lead me beside the still waters of an obedient life to the one who made me. Help me to remember that you are my creator and I am your vessel, that you see the whole picture of what good works you have planned for me. Help me trust that this too is part of your perfect plan to bring my character and being more in line, more loving like you. We thank you that you guide us and don't leave us even when we feel lost we know you aren't. Thank you that we are never alone.
